1st Entry
MAY
Hi I'm Becki,
You won't see my name in the newspapers, you won't see me on T.V but just because I'm a nobody doesn't mean my life’s not worth hearing about.
It’s amazing how fast a year goes by. 1 year ago today I started going out with my now ex boyfriend Danny. I guess you could say he was my first love. Actually, scratch that he was my first love. We still talk. But when we do it seems a flood of numbness consumes our bodies. Then I get nervous and a load of random rubbish just flows out of my mouth. He'll pretend he's listening while staring at his shoes looking for scuff makes. I can understand it. I hurt him a lot. In the 6 months that we were together we went on one break and broke up about 7 or 8 times. All me. Every time. It’s not that I didn’t love Danny, or wanted to dump him. I was just scared. I was 14 when I first met Danny and I was scared of having a serious relationship I felt like I was missing out on the fun of being a single teen. I couldn’t handle the reasonability of a serious relationship I was too young. Not age wise, but too young in the head. I've moved on since Danny but I still think of him sometimes like I am now. I'm now with Ricardo. I've been with him for 6 weeks and 2 days now, not that I’m counting. I thought I would never be able to love someone again but I was wrong. Don't worry I know I sound like I rushed in to this but me and Danny broke up for good in November from then till I met Ricardo it was just a lot of meaningless flings. But that’s changed now. I love Ricardo he’s the sweetest person I've ever met and I’m lucky he loves me back. After only knowing me for two days he left his long term relationship for me. The moment I saw him its like time sort of stopped he was so different then the other guys I knew it just seemed something about him shined through. Corny, but true. O.k, on a new subject. I'm in year 10 and my attendance, lets say is slightly below average. Well to be honest it’s about 60%. Its not that I have a life threatening disease or parents that abuse me everyday I just simply just hate school. Not in the classic teen strop "I HATE HOMEWORK!!!" sort of way but in the way that I hate the people that go to my school. There all two faced. Liars. Cheaters. Rumor spreading. Users and abuses. No offence. One of my best friends Ellie gave me the biggest lecture about attendance. Do you know how annoying it is having a lecture off someone younger then you lol.
But why go to school when every girl in year 11 calls you every name under the sun, and the year 10s are saying that you’re a lesbian that had sex with a 10 year old with a prevy boyfriend. (Yep I’m not making this up people actually are spreading all that.) only people I can really talk to is Ellie, a small but sweet girl she like my sister. And my best friend Claire, she’s tall and blonde and I must admit I do feel a wee bit jealous of her sometimes. I mean she’s so pretty. And has a wicked figure and is going to get married. Yep you heard me right. They’re going to wait a few years yet but I’ve never seen a couple so in love.
Tonight Flech (My mate) and Ricardo are doing a song about the LORD that Sean wrote. I've got to be on my best behavior tonight as Ricardo’s been a bit off with me lately and I really don't want to lose him. I lost the first person I loved by being stupid I'm not losing the second.
So that’s a bit of a low down on my life but ill tell you some more tomorrow but for now .
toodles
xxxxx

Second entry same day

by hunnibunni1012 @ 2007-05-02 - 17:10:54
I hope our hearts mend between you and me,
Because I don’t just want to end up a memory,
I know that we've been though not the best of time,
But It'll be ok as long as I can still call you mine,
If I lost you I'd fall apart,
Your more then my friend your the man of my heart.
for Ricardo
xxx
<3(yes corny but I mean every word)<3
But words can't show love but my actions can.
I don't know I just feel empty even thinking about losing Ricardo he feels the gap inside me that’s been empty for so long. Since I lost Danny. He's the one that keeps me strong. He's the one that keeps me sane. He's the one that I can't live with out. And by the sounds of it hes the one that keeps me clingy lol.
I know it must sound weird me saying this when I'm only 15 but I've never felt this way before it feels, perfect. (ok I may sound `clingy but I don't care.)

third entry same day

by hunnibunni1012 @ 2007-05-02 - 22:46:03
RICARDO DUMPED ME!!!!!!
O.k maybe I should back up a bit. I dressed up as best as I could I did all my make up and my hair and once I actually felt pretty. At this point I just wanted to look good for him and try to sort everything out. The whole time while we were at Sean and Sarah’s he just ignored me I keep trying to talk to him but he just kept avoiding me. Later on he said he would walk me home and that he needed to talk to me. He said that he doesn’t think it’s working out. I said so what are you saying. He said I think you know. I felt like a whole ocean was about to come pouring out my eyes sadness flooded every part of my body he tried to hold my hands I just screamed GET THE F*** of me and ran like the devil him self was chasing me. I soon fell to the floor and burst into more floods of tears my friend Leann had caught up with me by this point and kept saying that it was his loss. But it wasn't his loss. He could have any girl he wanted I was lucky to have him. Even for a short time. After a while I calmed down by a small sand grain of an amount then asked him if I could talk to him. He said he couldn't stand getting hurt by me any more; I couldn't believe what I was hearing I was hoping it was a nightmare. But I wasn't asleep. I just kept thinking of all the time we spent together all the "good morning’s” and the "I love you’s”.
I feel a lot better now, I guess I'm like a thunder storm it may seem really bad at one point but it’s got to settle down sometime.
Before Ricardo I just went from lad to lad a load of one night stands I got known as a slag, a slut I don't want to be like that again.
Maybe some people aren’t meant to be loved. People like me.

forth entry second day finally

by hunnibunni1012 @ 2007-05-03 - 21:58:58
I just want to hit Ricardo. He was cheating on me. I was crying all night because I thought it was my fault while he was sleeping with some 13 year old.
O.k again I've got to back up a bit. At school my best friend Claire was acting so odd, even for her. I knew she was hiding something. She finally told me that Ricardo liked someone else. I got upset. Later I met up with my mates and they said that they're really sorry but they think I should know that Ricardo slept with someone else. I got even more upset. I asked Ricardo if it was true, he said no. But the whole time was staring at the floor. With the word “guilty” written all over his face. I got annoyed. A few hours later I got a text off Ricardo saying that he did sleep with a girl called ZJ and sorry I found out from everyone else, and he's been going out with her since Saturday he only dumped me yesterday!!
The only reason he slept with was because I wouldn't. I hope she knows that.
You know what, I'm happy for him. He can have his under aged little whore.
I'm going find my "true love" "my knight in shining armor" one day. All I know is it’s not him.

5th enrty

by hunnibunni1012 @ 2007-05-04 - 16:56:03
After talking to Ricardo for and hour and a half; but it felt more like a years I was on that phone. I now understand everything. He couldn't deal with the temptation of not sleeping with me so he gave in with someone else. He said he barely knew what was going on because he was stoned and drunk but even so if he really did love me, even if he was possessed he wouldn't of done it. The weird thing is I still love him. I dislike him right now. But I love him. I don’t know why, but I do. At the end of the day we both got hurt and were started a new but as just mates. (Not best buds or any thing.) I feel dead bad though, it turns out ZJ is 15 not 13 and they weren’t going out I really should stop assuming what everyone is saying to me is true. I’m such an idiot.
Oh my gosh I just realized something...... I'm single again yayyy. Come on you lads.
Not really. I don't think I'm going have a relationship for a while, oh well at least I'm still pretty lol.
Bi for now
xxx

6th entry

by hunnibunni1012 @ 2007-05-04 - 19:43:22
Ricardo just came round my house and said he still has feelings for me and asked if we could be friends for 2 weeks or so; that way he can sort his head out. That way then he can decide what he’s doing about us. Seriously I've got a smile from ear to ear lol.

lost count what entry it is

by hunnibunni1012 @ 2007-05-06 - 22:33:12
This weekend has been amazing the great thing about life is when it goes really wrong then something really good happens. I call it “The balance of life” lol. Yesterday I went shopping which always makes a girl feel better lol. I went to a barbeque I meet the cutest little girl called Louise; she reminded me of myself when I was six. So cute and pure not a care in the world was just happy because she was a alive. My best friend Ellie slept at my house and we had a right giggle lol. This morning I went to church which always makes me feel good; it's the one place where I can be myself without feeling like people will judge me. We went to a church meeting at 3 and it was about forgiveness. The whole time I was thinking of Ricardo. Not cause I missed him. Not because I wanted him back. But just because I now could see forgiving him was the best thing to do. I don't think I'll be seeing him for a while any way he's stopped coming down on the account of our whole group of mates were angry at him for A: what he did to me and B: He apparently had a go and spore at Sarah. I think that Ricardo sees relationships like fire. If you quickly brush your hand over the top of it you don't feel a thing. Leave your hand there too long you get hurt . Ricardo doesn't want to get hurt. But thinking of it who does.
For once I've learnt something, just because I love and dislike Ricardo doesn't mean I need him to be happy. I'm fine standing on my own two feet, and a couple of my friends feet two
xxxx
I haven't wrote on this in so long I don't have a clue what entry it is lol

by hunnibunni1012 @ 2007-05-15 - 08:44:48
It feels like years since I last wrote on this but actually it’s only been days. I really do see a big chance that me and Ricardo will get back together. He keep saying that he's missing me but need time to sort himself out. But I still can’t figure something out. If he loves me why did he cheat on me? I know I was hurting him. But, did I hurt him that much to drive him over to someone else? I don't think any thing could wipe this smile of my face right now. I know there's probz some people thinking " What! Don't go back out with him he cheated on you!" but guess what, I don't care. Like I said we both hurt each other but that’s in the past and I'm hoping we still have a future. O.k I can live without Ricardo, but I don't want to. Because a life without Ricardo would be an empty one.

Entry 9 (finally counted what entry it is)
Hospitals are the weirdest places in the world. There known for healing but so many people have died there. I hate wearing those gowns you don’t know who’s been wearing them. O.k before everyone reading this thinks I’m turning in to a total emo let me explain. I had to go to the hospital today to get my kidneys checked out and guess what, they were perfectly fine. I hate doctors they get you all worried making you think your going to die or something; then it turns out its what you thought it was all along, absolutely nothing. Omg this must be the 1st entry that’s not got Ricardo’s name in it; Oops well it’s in it now. Oh well. But now I’m on the subject. After Ricardo dumped me he said he loved me and I ended up doing stuff with him. But yesterday he ignored me in gave me evils. I can’t believe it I’m so stupid he cheated on me then used me. O.k back on to hospitals. But, the one I do love about hospitals is because I went there my mums letting me have the day off lol. The world seems so much brighter, smells are sweeter and food is tastier and why; because I’m not at school.
Lol bi for now
Xxxxx

Entry 10
Another Wednesday another Christian meeting tonight at Sean and Sarah’s but this time its going to be different. I’m going to make Ricardo chose. I’m fed up of him messing me about. I’m fed up of waiting around for him. I’m fed up of every blog entry having his name in. He says that he still loves me but if he did then he would go back out with me, he wouldn’t need this long to think. We broke up 20 days ago that’s 20 days of him saying we wants me back and that he misses me. This is his last chance if he doesn’t take me back tonight I’m not coming back to him. School is so hectic at the moment I’m trying hard to get there on time and not to miss lessons but I just hate school so much I can’t stand even thinking about being there. But it’s half term at the end of the week. Finally a week of freedom. After the holidays it’s going to be a whole new me, on time every day, nothings going to stop me sorting out my school life not even bullies.
O.k new subject, there’s a massive party at Dean’s new flat on Saturday. I’m supposed to be going to my dads but I’m going to try and cancel it. I do want to see my dad and every thing but I really don’t want to let my friends down and I always feel left out when I miss these things because people talk on and on about them for weeks. I’m going to the party. End of.

Entry 11
Omg. I said I was going to the party but I didn’t. You lose all confidence when your dads looking at you with one of those evil looks that only dads can do. But I went to the second party. And although I said last week that I was going to make Ricardo chose I tried and failed. I just whet all limp when I looked at the loving eyes, glamorous smile……….what am I saying!!!!!!! That’s it. I’m putting an end to this to night I’m not going to ask Ricardo to talk to me I’m going to wait till he asks to talk to me and I’m going to say something like,
“ You say that you love me yet even though we’ve broke up you keep trying to change me. So what I’m flirty, so what I made a fool out of myself when I was drunk. You make a fool out of your self even when you’re not drunk and I never have a go at you. If you really did love me you wouldn’t try and change me you would except my faults. I’m not perfect. But either are you. I want someone who will love me for me not try and build me up to their standards. And don’t say it’s confusing if you loved me you would just have me. Make up your mind now. It’s not fair on me anymore I feel like I’ve been waiting around for a lifetime and if you don’t want me then turn around and walk away right now!”
I’m so saying this. Nothings going to stop me. Even if I get hit by a car I’m going to make sure he knows this. Can’t believe everything I’ve wrote in this blog this far been in this month I guess a lot can happen in four weeks. Tomorrows the last day of may. And I think I know now what I’m doing about Ricardo even if he wants me back I don’t want him any more. And I’m telling you now next months blog won’t have his name init. O.k I’ll write back tonight and tell you how Ricardo reacts to what I’m going to say. Lol that should be good talk soon xxxx.
1st entry of a new month yayyy
JUNE
I told him. He wasn’t there. But like I said nothing was going to stop me telling him. So I called him up. And as usual he just said a load of excuses well I’ve had enough of them. I’ve moved on.Yep you heard me I’ve got a new boyfriend. Jono is lovely. I don’t love him or anything. It’s way too early for that. I mean it’s only been three days. But I like him, I like him a lot and I know he won’t cheat on me. I’ve known him for a while now but I’ve been so busy trying to get Ricardo back I haven’t really before now given him much attention. Ellie’s still mad at me she said that I treated her like dirt, which is true. I put Ricardo before her all the time even after we broke up. I am really sorry though. Can’t explain how stupid I feel. She was like my sister and what do I do I drive her away. Trust me. So here’s the new me. Well the new me I’m trying to be. A new month. A new boyfriend. A new attitude. A new understanding of everything. But its still me just improved slightly.
2nd Entry
O.k one thing fell apart and another got fixed. O.k the bad one first. Martin got really drunk on Sunday even though he promised Claire he wouldn’t. He’s been lying to Claire saying he didn’t drink a drop. Yeh whatever. I was talking to Claire and I thought she knew that martin got drunk so I blurted out, “It was so funny when martin when in the shower with all his clothes on cause he was drunk!”. So Claire got upset that martin had been lying to her and martin’s upset with me for telling her.
O.k the good thing. I got my baby gal Ellie back.I so happy were sisters again but it’s not all good with Ellie she’s having some problems at home. But it’s o.k we’ll take the bad and the good, but spend more time trying to sort the wrong stuff right.
Omg Ricardo’s got a new girlfriend. Guess what good for him. I hope she knows what she’s in for lol

3rd Entry
Why is it so hard to change? A while ago I said nothing was going to stop me getting better at school but I’m getting worse. I need to get my act in gear I’m wasting away my life. I don’t like the person I am. Missing school behind my mums back. Drinking. Smoking. Searing. Messing around with drugs. That’s not who I want to be. I want to follow God and make a good example. I want to feel happy about myself and not feel guilty all the time. I’ve got to change.

1st entry of a new me
First entry of a new me and it was the best day of my life. I went to school and actually got there on time. And even though people still called me I didn’t care because I knew that it wasn’t true and that’s all that matters. I whet shopping in Notts and retail therapy seems to do the trick every time. Also I went to church. When church finished me and the lads were doing free running limbo and flips it was crazy. I actually finally feel that I belong somewhere. I need to run. Or change my self any more because I have people that love me just as I am.